Choice is internal: Regardless of the circumstances, we can meet our need for autonomy by making conscious choices based on awareness of needs. ~ Miki Kashton, NVC Trainer
"I need you to support me during exams. Can I count on you to make the dinners and take the dog out?"
"No, sorry. I told you that I'd be busy all month getting ready for the marathon."
"I think an MBA is far more important than a marathon you do every year. It's not like you're one of the leaders; that you will lose some sponsors if you miss a year. I really need your support."
"I train all year for this. It keeps me sane. It's not my dog. When we got together, you said that you'd take care of your dog."
The student needs support and she has asked for it. In this culture, we are taught that if we can't get what we need from the people we ask, then we just can't get what we need. We connect the satisfaction of our needs to specific people. We say things like, "I need your love." when what we really need is love in general. Autonomy comes when we understand what we need, and then are flexible about how we achieve it. In the above example, the student may realize that she can ask her friends or neighbors to walk the dog and use the school cafeteria for her meal support.
As the MBA student contemplates her longings, she may realize that she doesn't really need dinner from her partner at all. It may be that her true need is reassurance that her partner cares about her and is willing to be there for her when she needs her. By understanding the real motivation behind her disappointment with her partner, she might have a conversation like this:
"You know it's not so much dinner and the dog that has me so upset. I just need to know that you care about me and want to help me."
"I feel the same way. You know how much this marathon means to me. I'd like to know that you care about me by supporting my participation. You never seem happy about it."
"I guess I resent all of your training. I want more time with you. Sometimes you feel more like a room mate than a partner."
"I train during the day, so that we can be together at night. But you have to study."
"That's true. When I start working, I'll have my evenings free. I guess I haven't been all that much fun to be with either."
"You think? Between your internship and studies, I never see you."
It took a while, but finally the MBA student was able to empathize with her partner's point of view and get a broader understanding of the real needs and longings underlying both of them.
In the end, the solution may still be the same - get a neighbor to walk the dog and eat at the cafeteria, but the relationship is different. By understanding her own longings and the longings of her partner, she is reassured that they are still committed and caring. The relationship is richer and stronger.
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