The Conversation After a Disagreement

The reason it is so important to take the time to come back into equanimity after being emotionally triggered is so you can talk to the other person in a way that will feel caring and open. When we are triggered, there is no way we can be caring and open. For one thing, when people are triggered, it feels like a threat to the brain. The older mammalian part of the brain switches into high gear to either get you out of there or to fight your way out. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain instrumental in empathy, understanding, caring, and thoughtfulness literally shuts down. So one's inability to listen and be understanding when triggered has nothing to do with morals! We are just made to streamline into action.

Therefore, it is critical to get the prefrontal cortex back online before trying to repair a relationship after a disagreement. Self-empathy and reflection as we just did in earlier posts can only occur with the help of the prefrontal cortex, so by doing self-empathy and reflection you are getting your whole brain working again.
That calmness you feel now is brought to you by the prefrontal cortex's ability to understand your daughter's side, your own side, remember past events, and creatively think of new ways to approach the problem.

However, one thing that is very important to remember before you call your daughter: she is probably still triggered. The exercises I had you do for self-empathy and self-reflection are designed to get your whole brain integrated again. Your daughter has probably been doing the Amygdala Loop, my name for when you get triggered and then you think thoughts that trigger you more. The brain perceives even more threat and releases even more chemicals for fight or flight, emotions fly higher, and then you have more thoughts that seem to confirm your bad feelings and voila! caught in a loop. An example: I'm hurt, I need to get away. She will hurt me again. I need to stay away. She will hurt me forever more, I need to leave permanently. I've even known people to still be in that emotional loop twenty years later. If the subject is brought up, they react exactly as if it had just happened!

So expect your daughter to still be triggered. That's why in the first part of the conversation, you are going to essentially do with her what you just did for yourself when you self empathized. I'll step you through helping someone by empathizing with them next week.