Principles of NVC

All human beings share the same needs.

I love Nonviolent Communication, so it's sad to hear when people don't use it because they were taught a formula that sounds, well, formulaic. So classical NVC as it is taught sounds like this:

I see that you have not eaten your ice cream.

Are you feeling sad, because you are needing community and friendship?

Would you be willing to talk about it?

My teen-aged sons hated when I first learned NVC and talked to them like this. I thought it was great to have some way of approaching difficult issues. But they wanted to throttle me. Over time I began to really understand the principles behind Nonviolent Communication. Then I didn't need to use the formula. The way I teach NVC now is by teaching the basic principles behind it. So I was excited to hear Miki Kashton, a well known NVC Trainer from the Bay area in SanFrancisco, talk recently about the principles of NVC and the value in teaching them as opposed to a formula. It's always nice to be confirmed that I am on the right track! 


I thought I'd go over those principles on the blog and the first one on Miki's list is above and I'll repeat it: All human beings share the same needs. No matter how different someone may seem, they absolutely need the same things you do. We all share a need for food, water, and shelter. We all need community, safety, and a sense of meaning and purpose. 

It always amazes me when I hear someone on a television show getting upset with people who are stealing or poaching because they are starving. Talk about not empathizing! Sure, I want all the beautiful animals in Africa to run free, just like the next reasonably well off American, but how can I not acknowledge the shared need for sustenance? Somehow I get the sense that we, the critics, have forgotten that food is a need. We are so stuffed ourselves, it slips our mind that food is a requirement. The only compassionate response is a commitment to finding an alternative way for the people to feed themselves. But I digress....

When we understand that all of us share the same needs, then we are much more likely to be compassionate in response to human suffering, even if the way the suffering manifests upsets us.