Feelings point to needs being met or unmet: Feelings may be triggered but not caused by others. Our feelings arise directly out of our experience of whether our needs seem to us met or unmet in a given circumstance. Our assessment of whether or not our needs are met almost invariably involves an interpretation or belief. When our needs are met, we may feel happy, satisfied, peaceful, etc. When our needs are not met, we may feel sad, scared, frustrated, etc.
~Miki Kashton, NVC Trainer
I am especially interested in the part where Miki says that feelings may be triggered but not caused by others.
An acquaintance comes up to me and says, "You don't know what you are talking about." My need for fair interpretation is not met. Good so far, but here is the tricky part. To fix my sense of lack, I do not need to 'make' the acquaintance change his mind. All that I need to do is change my internal belief that I may be ignorant. It's my belief about myself that gives the sting, not the man's belief. To see this another way, a woman on the bus comes up to me and says, "Your mind is warped by invisible rays from the government." I have no negative reaction. Her statement is also based on interpretation, but I have no internal critic for secret government rays warping my brain. Without an internal critic, the man's words sound just as nonsensical. Do you see what I mean? Isn't that fascinating?
You can check this idea out on statements that trigger you. Look and see if there is another voice, your critic, adding itself to whatever was said. Then try to imagine that criticism doesn't exist. You might imagine that you live on a planet in which, to keep the above example, no one is supposed to know what they are talking about. Now watch how the sting begins to dim down.
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