Question: My Adult Daughter Won't Call

I encountered this question recently:

My adult daughter is upset that her dad and I have separated. She hasn't called me in weeks
and I don't know what to do. How can I get a conversation going with her?

Here's my answer: When a loved one stops communicating it's really painful. When it has happened to me, I've felt loneliness, despair, and even fright. I would guess that you have a lot of the same painful feelings inside of you right now. Before trying to connect with your daughter, I recommend that you work with yourself first. It's important to remember that your daughter is having strong emotions, too. If you try to talk to her now, while you are triggered, chances are you won't be able to give her the attention she needs to work through her feelings with you. The more calm and peaceful you are, the more likely you will be able to reach your daughter.

So the first thing you need to do is allow your feelings full reign. I know it is counterintuitive, but those feelings want to be felt; they carry a message for you. If you push them away, chances are they will keep trying to get your attention. However, as you feel your emotions, name them. You might even want to write them down in a journal. As you name your feelings, notice where you feel them? Do you feel sadness in your heart? How big is the feeling? What color would it be if it had a color? What shape? What fantasies come up around the feeling? For example: I might fantasize that my child will never call me again. Then I would notice how that thought made my feelings worse. Write down your fantasies and be aware of them.

As you self reflect on your feelings, notice any secondary voice in your head that criticizes you. Does someone keep telling you that you are a bad person, that you are handling this all wrong, that you shouldn't have done....whatever? What you need to hear is a compassionate voice. Can you be that compassionate voice for yourself? For many of us, it's very difficult to find that compassionate voice, so you might write a letter to the most compassionate person you know and then pretend to be that person and write a letter back to yourself. Or you might make a puppet or any object that can play a wise compassionate part. I have a statue of the compassionate Buddha I can use. Have the puppet empathize with your feelings and accept you as the innocent sweet child that you are.

The idea is to give comfort to the stressed part of your mind that houses your young memories of loneliness and shame. That "inner child" is doing the best she can and needs acceptance and understanding. Next week, I 'll show you what you can do next on the way to communication.